The hilarious Lisa Lampanelli will be performing in our city next month. Ahead of her appearance, the Queen of Mean was gracious enough to speak with Gay Vegas.

So Lisa, your weight loss has been a topic of conversation. You lost over 100 pounds.

It was three years ago. I came out about it about six weeks after the surgery. I talked about it publicly because I just am proud of it and didn’t want anyone to feel it was a shameful thing to do. The first place I went in detail about it was on Bethenny Frankel’s show, which was about nine months after the surgery.

So when dining, what’s your hardest temptation to resist?

Well it’s not a diet. Basically what happens is you have weight loss surgery.

All it really means is they take out most of your stomach so you can’t eat like you have nine rectums.

You basically can eat tiny little amounts and no food is bad. But I have given up sugar and I have given up a lot of things that are bad for me just because why fill your tiny little stomach with something that isn’t helping you physically? I definitely miss tons of sugar and I miss tons of desserts and all that, but if that’s how I ate now, unfortunately with the small amount I can eat I’d have no energy whatsoever just to get through daily life. I kind of chose to do that. If it’s really something that I want at a birthday or a holiday, I’ll have a little piece of it. But that’s pretty much the best I can do.

Let’s move on to a question that’s a bit more fun. President Obama. If circumstances were different, would you?

Date him or marry him?

Either.

Well look, I have brand new standards for dating because I married Jimmy Big Balls [Jimmy Cannizzaro] about four and a half years ago now, and got divorced last year. My new standard is – because Jimmy was a good guy – a good guy who has a good job, so I guess president would qualify as a good job. He would have to have no out of wedlock children, which so far I don’t think Barack has any. But he would have an angry ex-wife. Think about it. Michelle would be very put off with him dating such a beauty as myself.

This would be if Michelle didn’t exist and there were no kids.

If she didn’t exist?! Oh my god! I guess so. Although if you’re going to date a black guy you might as well date a thuggy one to really piss off your parents. So I don’t know, he might be a little bit too safe for me, but that’s probably what’s good for me.

Now, if you were to take over an entire casino and turn it into your own personal home, what casino would it be and why?

Well, first of all, I would have to say The Venetian because it has that big Canyon Ranch Health Spa there and I like to pretend I like to be healthy. So I pretend that I go to the spa. I usually don’t, but it appears to be a classy move on my part.

But those guys who are rowing the boats seem a little suspect to me. They seem like pickpockets from old Italy.

You would hire all new staff obviously.

Oh yeah, yeah. They would be all gay. 100 per cent gay men. And lesbians would be the security force.

Would you take the gondola everyday to get where you need to go?

I’d have that ocean dried up and I’d make it cement. I can’t stand that idea of somebody rowing me around. Suppose I gain my weight back, then they’ll look at me and say I’m fat. I don’t need it. But do hire a lesbian security force, because this way you know I’m protected. Those lesbos have my back, finally.

Speaking of which, if you were a lesbian, who of your lesbian friends or acquaintances would you pick as your life partner and why?

I’m not friends with lesbians. They’re a pain in the ass.

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Actually, I have a lesbian couple who are friends. My friend Jessica Kirson is a comedian. She’s really funny, so I couldn’t pick her because I don’t need the competition. So it probably would be her wife, Danielle, who’s a shrink. She’s a psychologist – that’s the best person to ever be involved with. I could get all their services as a psychologist for seven days a week. I could really save money on my therapy bills. I’ll take Danielle, Jessica’s wife, but unfortunately I’m not going to be licking it yet anytime soon.

Okay, so you’re known as the Queen of Mean. Growing up, were you the bully or did you use your clever wit to protect you and your friends from bullies?

I did neither of the two. When I was growing up I wasn’t particularly funny. I could make my mom laugh and she would stop yelling for a change, so that worked out. But usually I kind of stayed not class clown-y. If you talk to a lot of comics, they were never the class clown, because that’s always the idiot who is doing something stupid. We make jokes and are under the radar. So yeah, I was a little under the radar. I never got bullied. I never was a bully. I was just a kind of normal, believe it or not, theater geek. No one likes a theater geek more than a gay guy, so I’m sure I dated a few of them too.

What about now? Do people bully you? Do you feel like you’re more the kind of person that would stand up for someone who is being bullied?

I’m insane with that. I try to save everybody. That’s my problem. If I see something that I can help with, I want to jump in and change everybody’s life. So all my friends, I want to just write a check and get them out of their situation. Or I want to help them raise money for this cause or do that. And I think the problem is it’s not up to me to run and rescue everybody. Then they’re not going to go on their journey that they’re supposed to learn from.

Onstage is one thing. We have fun. Offstage, I’m more likely to have to smile, and grin and bear it when somebody says something crappy to me than bully somebody else.

You’re set to perform in a show at The Venetian called “Lipshtick”.  What’s your favorite shade of lipstick?

Oh, it’s that – you can look it up, you’re a big ‘mo. Deep, deep, dark, dark, like bright purple that MAC has out that Rihanna was the spokesperson for. I don’t know the name of it [it's from Rihanna’s VIVA GLAM line], but it’s this really bold purple. My makeup guy, Rob, who’s another one of you people, says he likes me in a bold lip. And I said, “All right Rob, you know about lips. So let’s do it.”

So, tell me one of your funniest Las Vegas stories?

I have none because I’m freaking boring. I’m 53. Are you out of your mind? Who am I partying with? What am I doing? I basically do my show. We fly in. They pick us up. I sleep for three hours before the show so I actually have some energy in my 53-year-old skinny ass. Then I get out of the show and fly back home. I’m not fun! I’m boring as hell. You would hate me.

Now if you had to live the rest of your life as a Las Vegas’ show celebrity, who would it be and why?

You know, probably that one that got eaten by the tiger [that would be Roy of Siegfried & Roy]. Because you get a lot of sympathy for getting eaten by a tiger. I mean you never have to work ever again! That’s the way to do it. You get eaten by a tiger, you live, and then you collect disability. Perfect.

There’s this viral argument going on between Elton John and the creators of Dolce & Gabanna. What’s your whole take on their argument over the use of IVF?

I will absolutely boycott D&G – as I like to call them – because I can’t afford their stuff. I’m protesting them for the right reason, because it’s too expensive! Where were you Elton John when they were charging me $70,000 for an alligator handbag?! That bitch should have been mad at that. She – Ms. Elton – is picking his battles a little too frivolously.

But I feel all children, even ones born through a vagine, any kid who was born, even to straight parents, I feel is a scourge to humanity. Until you’re 15, I want nothing to do with you. Elton – shut up about it. All kids suck, including yours.

What can we expect from your new comedy special Back to the Drawing Board on Epix? Can you tell us more about it?

What do you think? The crap I’ve been telling you! I’m outspoken, I’m loud, I’m insane, I insult people, I talk about my life.

People ask me all the time: what’s happened with the divorce? What happened with the weight loss? Do you struggle with your weight? I said, “Screw it. I’m going to tell it all in a special so that people stop asking me about this.” All the answers, all things people wanted to know, plus some behind-the-scenes stuff on some TV shows I’ve done that they will be very happy to hear about.

Finally, you have a background in journalism for Rolling Stone, Playboy and many others. How did you get into comedy?

I was a journalist yeah. When I hit 30-years-old I was like, “Okay, I’ve had this thing on my mind for about 10 years.” I really wanted to try it but was too scared. “Should I do it?” I said, “You know what? I’m going to try it once. If I’m terrible, I’m just not going to do it again.” Life’s too short to waste your time doing something you’re horrible at. But I got so lucky because I had taken this comedy class from this guy named Michael Jackson – and this is a different Michael Jackson. This one was actually black and had a penis. So I took the class and thankfully on my first open mic show I did really well, so I kept going.

And look at the gift I am to the world and to you gays. You should be thanking me right now.

We do thank you Lisa, and those of you wanting to show your appreciation in person can do so by checking her out in “Lipshtick- The Perfect Shade of Standup” at the Sands Showroom in The Venetian on June 13.